We hold parents accountable for the successes as well as failures of their children. It’s not unusual to hear others blaming parents for their children’s poor academic performance, teenage pregnancy, poor social skills, disruptive behavior and even gang involvement.
Many parents are shocked when things go wrong. They know they are good parents. They believe they have given their children love and support to be successful. Their plea is universal: “What could I have done differently?”
These parents all want successful outcomes for their children, and they are constantly seeking ways to become better parents. Over the years, I have discussed this issue with hundreds of parents. We talked about the tried-and-proven approaches to parenting. But the perfect answer was always elusive.
Well, help may be available now — through science. According to U.S. News & World Report (“Good Parents, Bad Results,” June 23), researchers have come up with an evidence-based approach to parenting. The article lists eight common mistakes of parenting:
Failing to set limits. Rule-setting works best if it’s done well in advance of conflict, according to Robert Hendren, a professor of psychiatry at the Medical Investigation of Neurodevelopment Disorders Institute at the University of California-Davis and president of the Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
Being too protective. Robert Brooks, a clinical psychologist in Needham, Mass., and co-author of Raising Resilient Children, says “many well-meaning parents jump in too quickly.” Parents need to give children time to work through their challenges in order to develop resiliency.
Repeated nagging, yelling and lecturing. Lynn Clark, a professor emeritus of psychology at Western Kentucky University and author of SOS Help for Parents, says, “There is an abundance of research that indicates that children tune out repeated commands.” Also, “the child imitates that behavior, and you get sassy talk.”
Too much praise. Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford University, says, “Fifth graders who were praised for being intelligent, rather than making a good effort, actually made less of an effort on tests and had a harder time dealing with failure.”
Punishing too harshly. Rex Forehand and other researchers have spent many hours observing the use of time-out as a disciplinary strategy to determine exactly what makes it effective. Their key finding: Discipline works best when it’s immediate, mild and brief, because it’s then associated with the transgression and doesn’t breed more anger and resentment. A time-out should last for just a few minutes, usually one minute for each year of age of the child.
Telling children how to feel. Myrna Shure, a developmental psychologist at Drexel University and author of Raising a Thinking Child, says, “Children need to think about how their own feelings will be affected by what they do. That is what will inhibit a child from hurting others, either physically or emotionally.”
Putting grades ahead of creativity. Stanley Greenspan, a child psychiatrist in Chevy Chase, Md., says: “We like kids to learn rules, and we want them to learn facts. We’re impressed when they can read early or identify their shapes. It’s much harder for us to inspire them to come up with a creative idea.” Also, children who think creatively are more likely to rebound if their first idea doesn’t work.
Forgetting to have fun. Parents should not forget the importance of laughter and having fun together as a family.
In addition to these evidence-based best practices, parents I’ve talked to have repeatedly highlighted one other essential approach to effective parenting: prayer. Many gave testimonies on how prayer helped them to overcome parenting challenges.
Also, please know that parenting is a work in process, so stay encouraged.
